Pain in Exchange for Beauty
by also known as LuLu
Summary: Sometimes love and obsession drive us to take drastic measures…a Nanami story set during the Black Rose Saga.


DISCLAIMER: Shoujo Kakumei Utena and its characters belong to Saito Chiho and B-PAPAS, not me, but the story is mine. It's an AU take on episode 21, "Troublesome Insects". Spoilers from other episodes of the BRS, though.  
  
Pain in Exchange for Beauty  
  
--A Shoujo Kakumei Utena fanfic  
  
by LuLu  
  
After you lost the duel, I did it all for you, onii-sama. Taking over the Student Council. Making sure all of your duties were done and the school was safe. I'm such a good little sister, aren't I? And the party. That was the crown jewel of everything, onii-sama. I was so proud of myself for having such a wonderful idea, I could barely stand it! I broke my back organizing it. Commanding Keiko, Aiko, and Yuuko is hard; they're so helpless. But then there are the times when Keiko is difficult and refuses to fall in line. This was one of those times.  
  
I'd had a feeling that she had a crush on you for a while, but I knew that with someone as pretty as me around, she'd never think to make a move. I had to be sure, though. That's why I made her do the paperwork that night. It wasn't even important paperwork. It was just filing old, boring records. I didn't want her anywhere near you. But the little bitch had other ideas.  
  
I saw you walking with her on that rainy day. It was MY plan to be the heroine and save you from getting pneumonia, but she cut on in me. I heard her call out your name and run ahead to you. She gave you the umbrella rod so she wouldn't hit you in the head, and you walked together. She talked, and even though you were silent, your eyes said it all. You looked at her…like she was beautiful. You looked at her like you look at Tenjou Utena, like so many other girls – everyone but me. Beautiful.  
  
And how the hell could Sonoda Keiko be beautiful to you anyways!? She's an ugly little wench. Those dull, nasty eyes. That huge nose. And the ponytails. Oh, I can't forget those repulsive ponytails, especially that the curly pig's tail is on the front of her face instead of on her big rear end. She's nowhere NEAR the standard of beauty. She could at the very least be blonde.  
  
But you looked at her like she was beautiful, and that's all that mattered.  
  
I had to force her away for that, to make her the school outcast, and I did. She deserved it!! She took your attention away from me, after all. That the goddamn twelve-year old even had the nerve to try it, let alone succeed? She made me feel so many things. Angry, sad, and overall so very pissed. She made me feel less than gorgeous. THAT'S the horrible part, because she KNOWS that I'm the prettiest damn girl in this school. Everyone knows that, I'm sure. Everyone except for you.  
  
Why don't you look at me that way? I'm so much more beautiful than her, and mature to boot. Despite my obvious perfection, you still refused through your silence, through your obscure actions towards me. I had to change that.  
  
I had been invited to the Mikage Seminar before, and I was flattered, but it seemed like he invited so many common people instead of just the elite. So, I turned him down that first time. Mikage, though, said that whenever I wanted to attend, the door was open. After the way you looked at her, onii- sama, I thought that I should go.  
  
I went up to the woman at the desk, prepared to explain to her that even though I had no appointment it shouldn't matter, because not only was I the sister of the Student Council President and proxy, I was a friend of Mikage (okay, that part was a little white lie, but EVERYONE tells those…I just tend to do it more than most of them). There wasn't anyone there, though, just a picture of a hand pointing to my left. I turned; there were more signs. How nice of them to leave a trail for me. I followed it to a door. I opened it, turned the sign of the knob to "Occupied", and went inside.  
  
It was an elevator, with a chair in the middle and two pictures on the walls – a leaf, and a butterfly. How quaint. I sat down in the chair. It shook a little as the elevator began to move, but I held my good posture and waited for someone to speak. No one did; I thought it was maybe because they didn't know who I was.  
  
"Kiryuu Nanami, Grade Seven," I introduced. No one answered me. How rude. So, I kept talking.  
  
"I've loved my brother dearly, ever since I was little. My parents were never around, and I didn't have any close friends, so he was always there for me. But ever since a few years ago, he started distancing himself from me with women. Sometimes I don't think it even mattered what woman, as long as they had breasts and wanted to see the bedrooms." I halted briefly to frown at that. "I hated each and everyone one of them. Sometimes they used me just to get closer to him. Keiko's living proof of that." I stopped for a moment, trying to figure out why I was letting this all out now and so fast to no one in the elevator.  
  
"Deeper…go deeper." That voice almost made me jump out of my seat. It sounded like Mikage, but I knew I was the only one there. I looked around quickly. An intercom. Of course. I did as the voice told me, then, and went deeper. I clenched my fists and narrowed my eyes at the thought of what I was going to say next.  
  
"I hate the way he looks at them, because he should be saving that look for ME. I'm the beautiful one, so why doesn't he!?" A brief pause as I caught my breath from the shout. "I want to be the same kind of beautiful he finds attractive in those women. I want onii-sama to look at me like I'm beautiful like that. I'll crush ANYONE that tries to take that away from me!"  
  
It probably doesn't sound like it, from the way I'm telling it, but I was near hysterical. I took my hands out of the fists and buried my face in my palms, trying not to cry. I didn't hear the door open behind me.  
  
"I understand," said Mikage's voice, much clearer and closer. Like hell you did, Souji. But I believed him then, and kept listening. "I suppose you have no choice but to revolutionize the world."  
  
I lifted my head and turned around, anger at you forgotten when I heard those words. Revolutionize the world…? But that's what the Student Council had set out to do. I opened my mouth to speak, but he kept talking.  
  
"The way before you has been prepared." He held out a hand to help me up. I smacked it away.  
  
"What the hell kind of Seminar IS this!?" I asked, gathering my thoughts again and repeating what had just crossed my mind. "It's the Student Council that's going to revolutionize the world!"  
  
"The Student Council does not know the way. Especially with Tenjou Utena as the Victor."  
  
Mikage walked out of the elevator. Curious and cautious, I followed him. If I could get it out of him, this was gonna be some GREAT dirt for the next Council meeting. He led me to a dark room, with rectangular holes in the walls…what the hell was in those holes? It looked like…holy shit. Coffins. The image is still vivid in my mind even now.  
  
"Are you some kind of psycho murderer?" I asked him, a new, different anger returning. Death does NOT sit well with me, especially when there was so much in that room. He laughed and shook his head.  
  
"Not me…Mamiya?"  
  
A boy just my age, maybe a year or so older, came into the room. He had short, light purple hair and wore a maroon Ohtori-like uniform that looked rather aged.  
  
"And who the hell is THIS?" I asked, thinking that he bore a slight resemblance to Anthy.  
  
"The murderer," he explained. The little boy smiled at what he said.  
  
"Ne, Mikage, wouldn't she be the REAL murderer?"  
  
Mikage smirked.  
  
"Perhaps. If she is the Victor."  
  
"Okay," I said as calmly as I could. "Explain to me what the hell is wrong with you people, or I leave and put a little Council exposé on this whatever-the-hell-it-is."  
  
Another goddam smirk.  
  
"It's quite simple. You have a wish to be beautiful to your brother, because you want to keep living the love he gave you when you were young. We will help you achieve that, with the roses that bloom at the end of the world."  
  
I didn't hear that purple-haired kid sneak up behind me. Before I could protest what Mikage said, he spoke.  
  
"Pain…in exchange for beauty," he whispered in my ear. I felt a searing pain suddenly in my breast. I looked down. The kid had stabbed me with…a rose!? A…a black rose. I let out a scream of pain  
  
And then everything went completely dark.  
  
I can piece together what happened after that, or at least most of it. This is where you come in again, by the way. They put a different ring on my finger (a black signet) to go along with the rose in my chest and sent me on my way. I went home to you. I went in your room. I'm guessing that you were sitting in your chair, listening to music or the birds. I probably touched you – maybe your hand, maybe your face. You looked at me strangely, I'm sure, or said something to me. And then you fell back as the sword was expelled from your body, and then I took it. You may have cried out, but it didn't hurt. It was more of a feeling of shock, like you were being violated. I remember this because that's how it felt when Tsuwabuki did it to me. Then you passed out onto the floor, and I guess I left, absolutely blind to those feelings.  
  
I can't tell you the events after that, though. I probably dueled with Tenjou Utena and lost, since I had the sword and all, and Mikage had mentioned her name. What the hell else would I have done with it, played checkers!? There's a brief memory in my mind of waking up in the duel arena and hitting the ground. Below me, all I could see was red. I thought I was bleeding because the dyke had hurt me, but before I got the chance to make sure (and to bitch at her for it), I was out again.  
  
They (I'm not quite sure who "they" are by name, exactly, other than school officials) took me back to my room at home, where I finally woke up for good. There was a dull pain in my chest from the rose, which I noticed was gone. The ring was too; I was wearing my silver signet again. They stood over my bed and told me that I'd passed out from fumes outside the science lab. What a bullshit story! That purple-haired Himemiya wannabe jabbed a rose into my breast. And he said I was going to be a murderer. I'm still trying to figure out why.  
  
I'm not going to tell the Student Council about this. I'm not going to tell Miki, I'm not going to tell Juri, I'm not going to tell anyone, other than you, onii-sama. I was both the victim and the attacker this time. They wouldn't take that well. They'd think I was one of the ones going against them. And even though they're still going to be trying to figure out who these people are, I can't say what I know. They'd expel me, without a doubt, for what happened. Losing my power over them certainly wouldn't do, you know. I have to keep my reputation as the proud, gorgeous sister of the Student Council President. Lovely to everyone except you.  
  
But, onii-sama, I like to think that maybe for a moment, before I did what I did to you, you looked past the darkness in my eyes and saw that I was beautiful.  
  
Fin.  
  
NOTES: Yeah, why Nanami when I hate her so much? Because she's condescending, and I have a feeling that when I write, I do it condescendingly. And she's fun to screw around with. And why did I make it so that Keiko wasn't the Duelist? All dislike aside, I always thought Nanami would have been a good Black Rose Duelist. This was written in June 2001. 


End file.
